


jeremy has changed.

by stardewmtns



Series: post-squip boyf riends [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mentions of Anxiety, One Shot Collection, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Post-Squip, Romance, We Are All Mental Illness, boyf riends — Freeform, i guess?, i think, the squip is there but not really there, this is all pretty much michael supporting jeremy, we need some jeremy supporting michael
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-30 02:07:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11453739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardewmtns/pseuds/stardewmtns
Summary: Michael notices a difference in Jeremy after the play. Jeremy isn't the same, and he thinks the SQUIP never completely left.





	jeremy has changed.

**Author's Note:**

> idk how to tag. i edit this constantly lol

Michael was a pretty observant guy. Well, at least, he would like to _think_ he was. Since he didn’t have many (any) friends, it was easy for him to watch his peers interact with each other (plus anxiety made him a lot more aware of his surroundings). He could read their expressions, and body language. He knew what they were secretly saying. It's not a gift, and he's probably not even that good at it, but he does it constantly.

Michael probably started the whole “people-watching” thing around middle school, when the tides turned and cliques were developed. It was early on in sixth grade when he and Jeremy were deemed “losers” and were kicked out of birthday parties and sleepovers. That was when Michael shut his mouth and began to watch more. School wasn’t the only place he did this, though; he practiced even more with his parents and, recently, with Jeremy.  Not that he didn’t know already know Jeremy’s signals and secret language before, but it was… different now. Almost foreign.

Michael saw changes in Jeremy after the SQUIP. When they were in the hospital, reconciling, he was overjoyed that he would have the old, dorky Jeremy back. He was ecstatic that the SQUIP was gone forever. Finally, Jeremy was free and they could go back to being normal! They can play _Apocalypse of the Damned_ to their heart's content, eat leftover pepperoni pizza and get stoned in his basement. It would be Heaven.

 Except, that’s not quite the case. Sure, they do all that and it’s pretty cool and stuff, but it always feels tense and not right. The SQUIP had a lasting and _devastating_ affect on Jeremy. Some of the changes were subtle, however others were painfully obvious. The most oblivious person could see it. A friendship of twelve years with the guy and yet there were parts—new parts, as well as old parts—of Jeremy that Michael had to discover, rediscover, and decipher. It was like trying to translate a whole book from Dothraki to Englishto Elvish. Pretty much impossible. Even though he felt the closest to Jeremy, he also felt the farthest.

 Jeremy didn’t feel like the Jeremy Michael knew before. He still laughed and joked, but there was always the lingering feeling of sadness and guilt, especially around Michael. It felt, on occasion, like he had seriously lost his Player Two in the sick game the SQUIP played with his mind. Jeremy would forget that he could do things now, like eat junk food or masturbate or wear his declining amount of cardigans. He would correct his posture if he was slouching, like he was being shocked. Every time Michael caught him, Jeremy would awkwardly laugh. “Oh, yeah, shit, I forgot. It’s just the SQUIP, y’know?”

Also, Jeremy swore a lot more often than before. Apparently the SQUIP told him it was “chill” to swear in almost every sentence. He was more self-doubting, and self-deprecating than before. His self-esteem was almost nonexistent, despite Rich calling him “one hot motherfucker” whenever he saw him. Sure, Jeremy had been anxious before the SQUIP, but dear God, it was nothing like this. Jeremy got up at _four in the morning_ now to get ready for school. It took him at least three hours just to change into clothes and brush his hair. He’d changed at least four times before he was satisfied. And he still hated how he looked.

 Michael didn’t know all the details, but he knew the SQUIP constantly belittled and berated Jeremy, even for miniscule things.

 The most hurtful thing, however, is that Jeremy _scarcely_ touched Michael anymore. They used to lay all over each other, bump shoulders and knees, sleep in the same bed and wrestle. Now,  Michael was lucky for Jeremy to poke him. Sometimes, the lack of touching was the most painful thing he had to endure. It was like Jeremy was disgusted by touching him, or afraid. He.. had no clue why. Even his “people watching” skill couldn’t give him any answers. It was hard to read someone's mind when you weren’t really sure if it was still _their_ mind.

 Honestly, Michael wasn’t sure it was _gone._ There were split second moments where Jeremy would pause. He’d scrunch up his nose, concentrating, and narrow his eyes the slightest bit. A few times, his mouth would move and form words. Then, as soon as it started, it was all over and Jeremy came back to Earth. Michael caught on almost immediately. Each time this happens, Michael gets scared. He’s terrified at the possibility of Jeremy leaving him again. He doesn't want to be alone. He hates being alone, actually. Being alone makes his skin itch. He feels claustrophobic when he doesn't have Jeremy at his side. That's why he's scared. Jeremy has been his best friend and rock since, well, forever. The first time he thought he lost him forever, he had a panic attack in a bathroom. He doesn't want there to be a second time.

 Despite the tightness in his chest he felt every time he saw the pause in Jeremy, he refrained from asking until now. He was tentative to ask. Questions about the SQUIP, sometimes, would make Jeremy jump or get angry. Michael felt that this was the right time, though. They were in their respected beanbags, each doing their own things on their phones. He saw Jeremy mouth something. That’s when he finally found the courage.

 “Hey, dude?”

 Jeremy snaps his head over the Michael, as if his voice knocked him out of  a trance. He drops his off-brand touch phone on his lap. “Uh.. yeah? What’s up?” He bites his bottom lip, pulling and teasing the skin until it bled. Michael couldn’t meet his eyes. “The.. SQUIP.. does it still, like, talk? To you? I can see you, like, go into this weird zombie-mode sometimes..” he lets his voice fade off, sneaking a quick glance over to Jeremy.

 Silence.

 He looked like he had been electrocuted by the SQUIP. His eyes widened and bored into Michael. He familiarized him to a deer in headlights. Then, he realized with horror, Jeremy started visibly shaking. His pupils dilated and he tore his eyes away from staring at Michael. He stared holes into the floor. Michael felt like he had been kicked in the gut. Why was he so stupid? Why did he have to _ask_?

 Michael slowly scooted towards Jeremy, despite the urgency he felt. He had done some research on this, and he had a bit of experience now.

 Jeremy has been more prone to anxiety and panic attacks since he left the hospital. They often happen in public, occasionally at school. He had a variety of different attacks; sometimes, he would zone-out, shake, maybe hyperventilate. Other times he would lash out at anyone, for anything. Or, he would get sick and dizzy. These have all happened multiple times. Michael has been with him for all of them.

 Once, Michael was sent to the office and was shocked to see Jeremy and the nurse. Jeremy was sitting down in one of the uncomfortable office chairs, and the nurse was standing next to him. Michael could tell that Jeremy’s eyes were puffy, and his head was down. He looked defeated. The nurse smiled at Michael. “Hey kiddo, I’m sorry for pulling you out of class. Jeremiah was having a hard time and asked for you. I called his dad a while ago to let him know he was going home,” she smiles warily. She looked sorry for both of them. ‘Having a hard time’ translated to ‘Jeremy had a panic attack’.

 “Thanks, Ms. Spencer. I don’t have any classes in the afternoon so I can just sign us out and take him home,” Michael takes a couple leaps past her to sign them out. He actually did have classes, but he didn’t care about them, especially when Jeremy was in pain. He would stop the whole world to help Jeremy. Thankfully, the secretary didn’t say anything, if she knew.

 Jeremy said nothing as Michael guided him out of school and to the parking lot. He was extremely aware of where his hands were placed on Jeremy as he walked. Now, whenever Michael touched Jeremy, his fingertips tingled and he felt a rush of warmth. It was rare when he had any contact with him, so he cherished this. He opened the passenger door of his PT Cruiser and Jeremy collapsed into the seat. He looked drained. He didn’t bother to correct his slouching.

 When Michael got himself situated in the driver's seat, he waited before turning the car on. “So.. what was that about?” He got a shrug in return. “Jer, come on, man. Talk to me. I’ll let you use my controller later….. And I’ll buy you pineapple on pizza, even though it’s disgusting,” he leans over to Jeremy, wiggling his eyebrows for effect. Jeremy looks at Michael through the corner of his eyes and snorts before rolling his eyes and sitting up. Michael grins; he broke through!

 “First of all.. pineapple on pizza is not disgusting, asshole. Also, I just… I dunno…" He heaves a sigh, "We had a Calculus exam today... I tried to do it and answer all the questions but I couldn’t focus at all! Then, I realized how fucking dumb I am and I thought that if I had the SQUIP I would’ve aced the exam, and then I thought about _the SQUIP_ , and I know I failed the exam, I made a huge fucking scene over goddamn _math—”_

 “Whoooa, dude, slow down,” Michael smiles, very deliberate in his action of placing his hand on Jeremy’s shoulder. Jeremy flinched. Michael recoiled his hand. “Look, there’s nothing you can do about it now, right? So what if you failed? You can ask, uh, your teacher if you can retake it. I’ll help you study. It’ll be cool,” Michael turns the car on.

 “It was an exam, though,” Jeremy says, flatly, not knowing what else to say. He looked unbelievably tired. Michael rolled his eyes.

 "Bro, you had a panic attack. I’m, like, 100% sure he’ll let you retake it.”

“... Yeah, I guess.”

 “Don’t ‘I guess’ me mister.”

 “What are you, my dad?”

 

\----

 “Hey, Jeremy, can you hear me? I’m sorry, you don’t have to tell me,” Michael stayed calm and patient. His voice was clear, but not raised above a regular speaking tone. Jeremy’s fingers twitched. He instinctively latched onto his wrist and dug into the skin. Hurting himself has recently become a thing. Jeremy has scratch marks and nail indents along both his arms.

 Michael forgot the whole “don’t-touch-him” thing and grabbed his hands to pull them apart.  “Hey, hey, hey, I’m here, there’s no need to hurt yourself. Jeremy, talk to me. How are you feeling?”

A few long seconds of Jeremy aggressively breathing out of his nose. Then,

“I'm.. angry,” Jeremy whispers, voice cracking.

“Okay? Why are you angry? Is it because of me?”

“Kind of.”

 “Was it because I asked about.. it?”

 “No.”

 “No?”

“Y-You…” Jeremy gulps, frustrated. He couldn't formulate the words. Suddenly, Michael felt Jeremy shake out of his grip. He was horrified for a moment, but then Jeremy slipped his hand into his. He plays with Michael’s fingers, still shaking. “How did you…. How did you… know?” His voice cracks on multiple occasions. Tears stained the carpet. Michael felt his heart break. That _ugly-ass_ _computer chip._

“So I was right?” He asks softly, which causes Jeremy to audibly cry out. Michael wished he could curb-stomp the SQUIP. He hated it with every fiber in his being. He just wanted Jeremy to be happy. He _loved_ him with everything he had, and it hurt to watch Jeremy sound so _broken._ Michael knew how that felt, and it was debilitating.  

Michael cautiously embraces Jeremy, watching for any signs that Jeremy would feel cornered. That was when Jeremy split everything out in a snotty, stuttering, voice cracking ramble.

“The SQUIP is _there_ sometimes," he pauses to sniffle.  "Well, not _there,_ like alive, just—just _there_ and it still talks to me and I-I can’t tell if it’s really real or not!" He grabs a fistful of Michael's shirt, twisting it between his knuckles. "It _tells_ me stuff and it _hates_ me! I still listen to it, I don’t even know _why_ and I _hate_ it! I tell it to _fucking go away_ but it always comes back and I’m scared it’ll always be in my head. I just want it to stop! It always comes back, telling me how _horrible_ and _ugly_ I am and how I make everyone want to die," he gets caught on his words. "It tells me how better off you would be if I stopped talking to you because I’m such a loser and a freak. I don’t know what to do, oh my god,  I’m gonna be in a fucking _mental hospital_ , oh my god, Michael, Michael, w-what do I do? oh my god I can’t even get near you anymore because of the stupid thing I-I just w-want it gone oh my god _—”_

Michael could hardly even understand what Jeremy was saying between the stuttering and the fast-talking but he got the general gist. He rubs circles into Jeremy’s back. “Jeremy, hey, wait, let’s breathe first? You’re talking too fast, I can't understand what you're saying—”

“Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael, I—"

“I’m right here. I’m with you. Breathe in for two okay?” Jeremy does a mix of inhalation and saying “Michael”.

“Breathe out for two. Breathe in for three, breathe out for three. Good, you’re doing good.. Breathe in for four, out for four… okay, good, Jeremy, keep breathing like that. You’re doing good.”

Eventually, Jeremy did calm down. He continued focusing on his breathing for ten more minutes, Michael guiding him through it. Once he was finally able to talk without going too fast or stuttering too much, Michael moved them so they were partially laying down on the bean bag. Michael still rubbed Jeremy’s back. He let Jeremy speak, quiet and waiting. There was a long period of silence before Jeremy squeaked out in a tiny, raspy voice:

“I’m… just scared. That’s so.. that’s so pathetic, right? But it just… I don’t know. I don’t… I don’t…”

“Don’t what?” Michael asks quietly, nudging him. Jeremy took a deep breath. He looked annoyed with himself. “It’s gonna sound dumb and cheesy…” He mumbles woefully. Michael laughs, poking fun at him. “Is it kind of gay?” He jokes. Jeremy shrugs, using his sleeve to wipe his eyes. “I mean, yeah,” He steals a quick glance to see Michael’s reaction. It’s the first time they met eyes since the morning. Michael freezes. He was honestly _not_ expecting that. He gulps. 

It took forever for Jeremy to continue. A pin could have dropped. Michael didn’t dare to even breathe.

“I just.. I don’t.. I don’t want to lose you..." Jeremy sighs. "... Again," he adds wearily.

Michael couldn’t tell if the redness in his cheeks was from the crying or the statement. He felt like he was in a dream. Was this happening? _Jeremy_ didn't want to lose _him_?

“You won’t lose me!" He squeaks out quickly, his voice an octave higher. He clears his throat. "Uh, I mean, you know that, right? Who will use my other controller?” He laughs hastily, ignoring the churning of his stomach.

Jeremy sniffles. “I know, I know, dude. But, seriously. I want things to be normal. With us. You—you help me so, so much and I won’t even let you touch my shoulder half the time. The SQUIP….” He pauses, pursing his lips. They were bleeding, Michael noticed. “... it would shock me. If I.. uh.. thought of you. And stuff like that. I’m still scared it’ll… hurt me. I know that’s dumb and that it won’t! But it… it did it for a reason.”

Michael raises an eyebrow. “Yeah, because it wanted you to be cool and I’m a loser. I already know, remember? Optic Nerve Blocking and all that?” Jeremy groans.

“No! Well, I mean, yes, but there was another reason, dude,” his voice suddenly drops to a whisper, like he was dropping some huge secret. “It was because I, like, I.. I _like_ you. Like.. _like like.”_

Michael felt like his head spun around twice. His mouth fell agape. “You.. _like like_ me?” This did not feel like reality. He could have fainted. This was seriously a cruel joke on the universe’ part.

“Y-Yeah dude, I _like like_ you.”

“But.. like.. _Like like?”_

 “ _Like like!”_ Jeremy bursts out loudly, aggravated. His ears were bright red, as well as his face. His eyes were teary again, and Michael prayed that he wouldn’t cry.

 “Okay.. so you… _like like_ me. Well that’s… that’s..”

 “Gay? Gross? Disgusting? If you don’t want to be friends anymore, just tell me before Jenna spreads a bunch of rumors that we had some weird sexcapade and then got into a huge fight and cheated on each other or something and then never talk again and—”

“Jeremy, dude, chill. I _like like_ you too. Since, like, middle school.”

“H-Huh?”

“Are you…. that dense?” Michael snorts. Jeremy pouts. “I just… I didn’t know until…. The SQUIP told me…” He mutters shyly. Michael chuckles. “It took a evil computer chip to tell you that you had a crush on me? Wow, I’m hurt! Were you really that far into the closet?” he gasps. Jeremy groans and punches him in the chest. “Shut up, Jesus Christ. I just told you that I still hear that evil computer chip and you’re concerned about my internalized homophobia?”

 Michael’s smile faded at the mention of the SQUIP. “Yeah, about that… I’m not sure what we can do to stop it from, like, coming back, but it _can’t_ control you anymore, right? You’re _Jeremy Heere,_  a kickass newly discovered bisexual and a dumb little pill can’t do anything to you. Does it come on really strong?”

 “It depends, really.. sometimes it’s quiet, other times it’s not there, or it’s super loud.”

 “Well.. tell it to go fuck itself every time you can hear it. I’ll get you all the Mountain Dew Red in the world, and that’ll probably keep it from showing up. I don’t know if it'll go away forever, but that should stall it. Jer, you’re amazing, and cute, and dorky and wonderful and I won’t let it hurt you anymore. I care about you, dude? And I...” Michael resolves, taking a deep breath. “Jeremy Heere, I love you.”

 Jeremy's breath gets caught in his mouth. He seemed surprised, like he hadn’t just said almost the same thing ten minutes ago, albeit in a more childish term. Michael didn’t know what to do about the silence, and for a minute he was scared that saying anything beyond _like like_ was too extreme, and why did he have to say that so quickly how dumb can he—

Breaking him from his momentary panic was dry, bleeding lips connected with his. He tasted like salty tears, and he was very shaky. He was still probably worried that the SQUIP would hurt him for kissing a guy, for kissing _Michael_. It was very chaste, but despite the cliche, Michael swore he heard angels sing. 

 Jeremy was so gorgeous; he had beautiful long eyelashes that grazed his skin when he closed his eyes, and the blush he was sporting made him look radiant. Michael could count the freckles on his cheeks, on his nose and by his eyes. He took Michael’s breath away from the simplest kiss in the world, but it was perfect in every way. Michael had his head so far in the clouds, gushing over how absolutely beautiful Jeremy was, he didn’t realize that the kiss was over and Jeremy was asking him something. Dumbfounded, all he manages to do is go, “W-What?”

 "I asked if.. that was alright. I-I mean I’m really gross and sweaty right now, and I don’t really remember what the SQUIP told me about kissing—”

 Michael silenced him by kissing him again. This time, the kiss was more clumsy, because unlike Jeremy, Michael had no idea how to kiss and a computer never guided him on how to either. However, it was still perfect to Michael. He would take a clumsy kiss over no kiss. He would take _any_ kiss if it was from Jeremy. When they broke apart, Michael wiped the blood off their mouths. Jeremy smiles awkwardly, looking away from Michael. “U-Um… can you go back to your beanbag? N-Not because… uh…. I… Just… personal space?” he squeaks. He looked pretty freaked out again, and Michael didn't want to do anything to push him farther. Kissing him to silence him was probably not a very good idea. He forgot that up until recently the most contact he’s had with Jeremy was a hand on his shoulder. They definitely pushed that limit today.

Michael nods as he detaches from Jeremy. He sinks into his beanbag, pretty smitten. Every so often, he’d look over at Jeremy, who looked flustered and confused, but not sad. Michael decided against trying to figure out what Jeremy was thinking. He just hoped he didn't regret it.

In the silence, Michael realized that Jeremy has changed. And that was okay. Jeremy’s changed, but Michael can deal with that. They’ll deal with that.

Together.

 

**Author's Note:**

> please be kind to me im sorry if this is rushed or bad haha i havent written fanfics since i was like.............11. and this is my first time on ao3! nice!
> 
> kudos are good i think? thanks!!


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